To the Girl I Used to Be.

March 17, 2017

 

Maybe because I just finished a post about the sometimes difficult journey of becoming elderly ... I felt a need to touch on the contrary. At 14 months my little girl has reached an age where her "sponge-like" qualities have hit a whole new level of absorption. She amazes me every single day with what she can suddenly do.

 

Last week she was crawling ... pulling herself up. This week she is walking. She seems too small to have mastered this ability. It still feels weird when I catch a glimpse of a mini human walking by out of the corner of my eye. When you are used to them (somewhat) staying where you leave them, it's a little mind-blowing to have them saunter (ok, toddle) into the kitchen when you left them just a minute ago in the living room with their toys. 

 

I am starting to be able to imagine how cool this little human is going to be. When before my days were wrought with anxiety - the constant guessing game - has she had enough to eat? Is she going to make it through this next grocery trip without a melt down? Dear God will she nap longer than half an hour today? Now all of these questions are being replaced first by a new found confidence in feeling like the answers are easier to find than they used to be. And then second, they are being replaced by new (less anxious and more enjoyable) questions... "did she really just eat all of her lunch, including the dreaded avocado that she used to throw at the floor every time?", "did she actually just sleep a solid 12 hours?" and "did I just hear her say banana?". 

 

To my exhausted, worn down and weary old self ... the one with the foreign and fragile tiny baby in her arms, with shadowy bags under her eyes, and pain in every part of her body, including her mind and her heart ... I promise you ... it will get better. It will get easier. The sadness, the anxiety, the all-encompassing feeling of being unsure about every single decision you make ... this will all soon fade. Soon you will feel like instead of being a girl who is doing her best but failing at being someone she was not really ready to be ... that actually yes, you were ready, you always have been, and that you are doing a wonderful job. You will find your confidence again. And more importantly you will find your smile. You were then and you are now the best Mother that tiny little baby could have ever asked for. Put your chin up, wipe away those tears ... I promise you, one day in the not so distant future you are going to watch her toddle into the room, look at you and say "Mama" and at that moment, you will know. The journey has been long and difficult at times, but the journey has a destination. And that destination is filled with so much happiness you will have to shield your tired eyes from the glow.

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